chelloooo

hmm. 2:30am-ish.

a little late for a... late night rant full of emotion and teen angst?

only, wait.. i'm not a teen anymore, am i?

HA! but i will confess, if i knew half of what i know now, when i WAS a teen, i would be un-effin-touchable.

it's amazing how reflective i can be at times like this.
i mean,

a friend and i were having a conversation today.. and we both agreed, that it's both amazing and unbelievable how much we have learned in the past year. but not only in the past year, but even just in the last month... or even week.

and i think it's really funny, that now. at this point in my life, at this exact moment, i feel like i know so much, and i know enough to be able to function completely and not let a bump in the road phase me at all.

and then i realize how that statement is complete nonsense. because, well, it's only a matter of time until something EXTRA CRAZY and UNORDINARY happens, and i realize that i am, again, learning something new. learning about someone, or how fucked up life can be, or how crazy.. or awkward... or whatever.

i guess the point is....
that i'm totally babbling

AND.
i love how muh i learn, every day.. about people, and their ways. no matter how good or bad their ways may be. or how selfish and awful their intentions are.

people intrigue me. very much so.

and i'm happy that i am able to learn from both my mistakes, and the mistakes of others.

blah.
this blog sucked.

i'll remember not to blog when i'm bored and suffering from insomnia at random hours in the morning, while obsessively watching season 3 of the OC...


ah.
skank-holler.

i had a [---] dream

no, not a wet dream.
but a sex dream.

an in-fucking-tense sex dream.

my first. EVER. seriously.

probably one of the most emotionally draining dreams i've ever had.
so intense that i woke up, in total love mode....sweating...smiling...and seriously thinking that it had actually happened...and then looking over my shoulder, expecting you to be laying next to me.

you weren't.

but the dream...it lasted forever. and everything was so real. real-er than real. if that makes any sense?

it was like a story. a movie, even. we got into your car...started talking, really passionately, making intense eye contact.

i know we've had intense conversations in real life, and on the phone before.. but nothing like this. nothing. i remember thinking, wow.. she has never opened up to me like this before.

talking..steamy eye contact....and then a kiss, at a stop light.
a real kiss. a kiss you see in the movies. timed.. emotional...nervous...WOW. i felt nervous in my dream. i felt like i was being kissed for the first time. it was like my lips had never tasted lips before.

and then to your house...

i lay on your bed. and you... on top of me.. and it happens.

IT. happens.

and its the most amazing feeling i've ever had...i felt like, in that moment, it was meant to be. and everything that happened, was supposed to happen.
i loved every minute of it. but it wasn't like that kinky weird crazy omg let's have sex..sex.

it was, passionate, emotional, the "holyshit i think i love you" - sex.
and then.. and then... and then...

i wake up.
alone. wishing i was still dreaming.
thinking OH MY GOD. OHHH MYYY GODDD.

this can't be.
i can't have a sex dream about YOU.

and then going on to think...
that i wish i wasn't always wondering what if.

we have the strangest relationship.
strangest.

ever since we met.. almost a year ago...

we've cliqued. but as friends. best friends.

and i'm in love with my 'her'
and you're in love with your 'her'.

but why do we feel this way... about eachother?
..why have we always felt this way about eachother?

it's the strangest thing.
i know you're my best friend. i know that's whats meant to be, and i love it. i love that we have this crazy awesome relationship.

but i don't know why i randomly have these thoughts...
and why i still feel a little something... sometimes.

the dream just freaked me out.
because if there was a glimpse of real in that dream... then, maybe there was something real.. but we were just afraid to admit it. or afraid to take the chance.
i wish... i didn't think these things...
about you.

and now i cant help but wonder.....


WHAT IF?
what would have happened?


fuck.

honest mistake

A friend of the family bought me a journal for Christmas. I would think... aren't I sort of old for that? I mean, I figure.. at my age [barely 20], if I wanted a journal... I probably would have started one by now. And, well the only reason I don't already have one.. is because I would rather have no written evidence anywhere around my room. Because, well.. we all know how parents are. '

Especially mine.

So.
The idea of actually keeping a journal intrigued me.
I haven't had a... diary/journal/blog.. since high school, back on deadjournal.com. Anyone remember that site? It probably still exists... hmm, I feel so behind.

Anyway, here I am.

20 years old...female...love/music fiend...

And well, I guess we'll figure out the rest as we go.

skank-holler.